


One step forward and two steps back

by MagicalDragon



Category: Gravitation
Genre: Future Fic, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Social Media, ignores gravitation EX
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-05-28 15:56:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19397434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicalDragon/pseuds/MagicalDragon
Summary: Shuichi had never been in therapy. In some ways, Eiri's struggles had seemed so much greater than his own, so much more important, to the point where it seemed almost absurd to Shuichi that he see a therapist himself. Of course, the denial and undermining of his own feelings was the real absurdity. What had he been during right after his assault? Crossdressing for Eiri's sake because he'd gotten it into his head that that was what Eiri needed to love him?Finally, Shuichi took a decision to do as he usually did and tell the whole world - or at least anyone who spoke Japanese - what was on his mind.





	One step forward and two steps back

Something had been gnawing at Shuichi’s mind lately. Something almost uncharacteristically important. And for once, it had nothing to do with Yuki Eiri.

It had started a few days prior when Shuichi had had the TV running while he worked on some lyrics. Bad Luck didn’t tour nearly as often as they had when they were younger, so their recent performance at a Tokyo music festival was bound to have their fans excited. Shuichi had kept the TV running because he wanted to see if their performance would mentioned during the news piece on the festival, but before it could come up, another segment took precedence. 

“Actress Fukuda Mafuyu has recently accused former director, current CEO of ZZZ Entertainment, Iwasaki Taichi, of sexual misconduct. Fukuda-san reports inappropriate behavior throughout her time filming—”

“Turn that off.”

Shuichi almost jumped. 

“Eiri!” he exclaimed. “I thought you were writing?” 

“I was,” he said, “but I doubt you’re going to do the cooking.”

“I could,” Shuichi said.

And he really could! He had cooked a few times without disastrous consequences! He’d gotten so much better! 

Eiri sent him a look that said he disagreed, then turned around and walked towards the kitchen. Shuichi suspected that Eiri enjoyed cooking for the two of them, but knew that the prickly man would never admit to such a thing.

“Turn that off,” Eiri repeated.

Shuichi obliged and shifted his focus firmly towards the scattering of vague lyrics in front of him. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about that report, though. 

And it didn’t help that Shuichi was pretty active on Twitter — was known to be and appreciated by both fans and homophobic trolls alike for it — and every time he scrolled through, something about Fukuda-san’s case or something like it came up. It was unavoidable and horrible and his fans kept asking him to comment and… Shuichi couldn’t stop reading about it, no matter how upset it was making him. 

A few days after, Shuichi had been reading just such an article on the couch when his phone was suddenly taken from him. 

“Hey!” he protested. 

Eiri ignored him at first. 

“Why are you reading this?” he asked once he'd gotten a proper look. 

Shuichi looked away and shrugged.

“It’s good to know what’s going on in the world.”

“Shuichi.” 

“What?” Shuichi said defensively. 

“You’re going to upset yourself.”

“You don’t think I can handle reading?”

“Not about this. Not in the long run,” Eiri said, but gave him his phone back. 

“Didn’t you write about it?” Shuichi asked. 

“That’s not the same.”

“How is it not the same?” 

“Brat…” Eiri mumbled. “That was release… this is reliving.”

“I’m not reliving anything,” Shuichi said sullenly. 

“Denial isn’t going to help. And you know you’re talking to the master of denial.”

“I’m serious!” Shuichi protested. “I’m not reliving anything!” 

“So you don’t remember last night?” Eiri asked, surprised out of his usual stoic demeanor. 

“What?” 

“You woke up crying. Or — well, I thought you woke up. Either way, you definitely sounded like you were reliving something.” 

What went unspoken — as it often did when Eiri was the one speaking, even now — was how worried this had made him. Shuichi had gotten better and better at reading between the lines as their relationship had progressed and nowadays he heard the concern loud and clear.

“I’m sorry i worried you…” he said. 

Eiri grunted and sat down next to him on the couch. Shuichi leaned his head against his partner’s shoulder. 

“It takes a lot less for me, you know…” Eiri said. “The other day, when I asked you to turn the news off… that was for my own sake.” 

Shuichi, who had learned to moderate his expression while Eiri had learned to communicate better, merely took Eiri’s hand and squeezes it in sympathy. They sat like that for a bit before Shuichi spoke again. 

“It’s so horrible, Eiri… What happened to us, what happened to all of these women… I don’t understand how people can be so cruel.”

“That’s because you’re a rare thing, Shuichi,” Eiri said.

“What, a fool?” Shuichi laughed.

“No — the world is full to the brim with fools. No, you’re something truly rare; you’re a good person.”

For a moment, Shuichi just stared at Eiri, completely still. Then he sprung into motion, jumping on top of Eiri and letting out a shrill:

“Yukkkiiiiiii~!” 

Well, not everything had changed.

Around two weeks later, Bad Luck was slated to appear on a talk show. Shuichi expected to get some questions about same-sex partnership certificates (Shuichi had asked Eiri about them once and been told they were “symbolic nonsense” which he was about to protest until Eiri followed up with “we know what we mean to each other") while Hiro would probably get some questions about married life and his kids and Suguru about the solo album he had recently released.

And they did get those questions, but another question took Shuichi by surprise. He had not expected to be asked about #MeToo. 

“So, you’ve heard about this whole Me Too thing, right?” the host asked.

“Yes,” Hiro and Suguru said. Shuichi said nothing. 

“Well, what do you think? Do you think it’s an issue in your industry?” 

Shuichi was biting his lip pretty firmly and had begun fiddling with one of his bracelets. Beside him, Suguru answered. 

“I don’t doubt that a lot of guys out there can be creeps, but I certainly hope it’s not a big issue in our industry!” 

“There are all types of people in this industry, though,” Hiro said. “You never know what hides behind a polite smile.”

“That’s a pretty pessimistic way to view the world,” the host said. 

“I believe the victims,” Hiro said with a shrug. ”If women are saying it’s a problem, it must be a problem.”

“So you believe all of these reports?” 

“Absolutely,” Hiro said.

“I want to clarify,” Suguru said. “I also believe the reports, but there simply haven’t been many from the music industry thus far. I’m hoping that’s because there’s nothing to tell.”

Shuichi had been quiet throughout the conversation, and as he was usually the most talkative of the three, his silence was palpable. 

“How about you, Shindou-san?” 

“I also believe the reports,” he said. “As for the music industry, people can have all sorts of reasons not to speak out. You don’t want to speak bad of anyone on the same label as you.”

Feeling he had gotten too close to the truth, Shuichi hurriedly added:

“Of course, I also hope it’s merely because there’s nothing to tell.” 

Not long after, the interview returned to more innocuous topics. But Shuichi could not stop thinking about what he had to tell. 

The reaction to the interview was largely positive. Maiko had helped Shuichi set up an extension that automatically blocked most of the homophobes who used to harass him on Twitter. A few still got through, but Shuichi mostly saw fans thanking the band for making it clear that they believed those speaking out. 

All of this was only gnawing on his mind more than ever now, though. Shuichi was rarely quiet or introspective, even these days, and Eiri kept sending him odd looks when he would fall into it. On his therapy day, Eiri pointedly mentioned during dinner why he had been out earlier, where he would normally keep the whole affair entirely his own. 

Shuichi had never been in therapy. In some ways, Eiri's struggles had seemed so much greater than his own, so much more important, to the point where it seemed almost absurd to Shuichi that he see a therapist himself. Of course, the denial and undermining of his own feelings was the real absurdity. What had he been during right after his assault? Crossdressing for Eiri's sake because he'd gotten it into his head that that was what Eiri needed to love him? 

Finally, Shuichi took a decision to do as he usually did and tell the whole world — or at least anyone who spoke Japanese — what was on his mind. 

`[Image description: A twitter thread: `   
`Shindou Shuichi @bl_shu `   
`All of the horrible stories coming out of the #MeToo movement lately have really affected me... I’m not sure if this fits the tag or not, but here goes: I was raped by a colleague in the music industry early in my career. `

`Shindou Shuichi @bl_shu`   
`For several reasons, I couldn't report the incident, but the higher ups at my studio were aware of it. I wasn't asked how I wanted it dealt with and I was too busy convincing myself I was fine to even think to involve myself, but he was eventually dealt with internally.   
`   
`Shindou Shuichi @bl_shu`   
`I’m sorry I was quiet for so long. I’ve never really processed what happened, so it was hard for me to read about, let alone speak about! I'm so amazed at all the people speaking out, though. You're a lot braver than me. And you have my full support!`   
`End image description]`

Immediately upon posting, Shuichi received notification after notification. Replies were mostly generic supportive or encouraging words, with a few people thanking him for speaking out and, of course, a few trolls. Feeling a bit overwhelmed, Shuichi hurried to mute the thread, and put away his phone. Feeling abuzz with the thrill and fear of what he had just done, Shuichi considered seeking out Eiri in his office, even though he knew his partner found interruptions when he was writing frustrating. Before he could make up his mind, however, his phone vibrated repeatedly.

Hiro had sent him a string of private messages.

`[Image description: Direct messages on Twitter`

`Hiro: holy shit`  
`Hiro: i can’t believe you did that`  
`Hiro: are you okay ?`  
`Hiro: call me if you need to   
` `Hiro: love you shu`

`Shuichi: ` `neither can i   
``Shuichi: i’m fine though`

`Hiro: ` `promise?`

`Shuichi: ` `promise <3  
``Shuichi: might call you later though`

`Hiro: ` `whenever you need shu`

`End Image description]`

After answering, Shuichi saw that Hiro had also retweeted his initial tweet and responded to the last.

`[Image description: A twitter thread`

`Nakano Hiroshi @bl_hiro  
` `This is brave too, Shu. You didn't have to say anything, but you did. Now some people might feel less alone `

`Shindou Shuichi @bl_shu  
` `hiiirroooo~ <3<3<3<3`

`Nakano Hiroshi @bl_hiro  
` `<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3`

`End image description]  
`

  
Some people still thought Shuichi and Hiro were having some sort of affair. Mostly Bad Luck’s younger fangirls, granted. Generally, Shuichi didn’t understand what they were on about. But then maybe sometimes he did.

“Brat,” a familiar voice said and Shuichi almost dropped his phone in surprise; he hadn’t heard Eiri walk in. 

Shuichi looked up. Eiri was still wearing his glasses, and though he wasn’t smoking - he tried to do it less, these days - he looked distinctly like he wished he were. 

“Yeah?” Shuichi asked, refusing to do the talking for Eiri. 

Eiri rolled his eyes and sat down next to Shuichi. A short moment passed, but then he put his arm around Shuichi and squeezed a bit, showing the sort of casual affection he never had early on in their relationship. 

“So I’m working when suddenly my phone starts going crazy,” Eiri said, “and mostly, I’m just irritated I forgot to put it on silent. I was in a good flow of writing. Completely lost my thread, but I’m still planning to just put it on silent and keep working… till I see what everyone is asking me about. Apparently, my partner has been writing some tweets… and everyone is very curious what I think about it.”

Shuichi hugged his legs and refused to look at Eiri. A long moment passed where he could almost feel Eiri’s eyes burn a hole through his skull, as if trying to gleam what he was thinking directly from his brain. 

“Shuichi…” Eiri sighed, and it’s a testament to how serious he was that he was actually using Shuichi’s name. It was still mostly “brat”, even now, maybe “Shu” - or “Shu-chan” if he was feeling either particularly affectionate or mocking - but “Shuichi”? “Shuichi” meant he was being serious. 

“I understand while you felt the need to do that. It might even be good for you, honestly, since at least you’re acknowledging it now. But I also think you’ve just put both of us in a position where we’ll get a lot of questions. Questions I’m not comfortable answering and I don’t think you’re ready to.”

Shuichi frowned. 

“I didn’t think of that. I just… I couldn’t keep saying nothing. Not with everything that’s going on,” Shuichi said, his voice unusually quiet and small. “Sorry, Eiri.”

“Don’t apologise.” 

Shuichi finally looked up. 

“You haven’t done anything wrong, brat,” Eiri said. “I just want you to consider how you move forward from here.”

“Move forward…?”

“Yes,” Eiri said and stroked Shuichi’s cheek. “You’ve been carrying this around alone for a very long time.”

Shuichi looked away.

“It’s not really alone… you know, Hiro knows…” Shuichi trailed off. 

“We hardly ever talk about it and you know that,” Eiri said. “I beat the shit out of the guys who did it and I’d do it again, but that’s no substitute for actually processing what happened. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about.” 

“Eiri…” 

“Frankly, Shuichi, the fact that I’m even functional is down to two things: Seguchi and therapy. And the fact that I’m not a miserable asshole anymore comes down to you.”

Shuichi laughed, a bit brokenly. 

“That’s almost an “I love you” from you, you know?”

“Of course it is, brat,” Eiri said. “And things being as they are, I’d rather prefer it if you skipped the “miserable” part.” 

Shuichi looked up at him

“So what are you saying?” 

“I’m saying I think you should get a therapist and finally process what happened before someone puts you on the spot in the middle of an interview.”

“Eiri… what happened to me and what happened to you: it’s not the same.”

“It isn’t,” Eiri agreed. “They were two different events. One can never be the same as the other. That doesn’t make what happened to you any less horrible. Sometimes I wish I’d murdered Aizawa, too.” 

“Don’t talk like that,” Shuichi reprimanded. 

Eiri didn’t apologise, but did send Shuichi a look he’d learned to read as reticent, before squeezing Shuichi’s hand and getting up from the couch.

“Whatever you do, Shu… Just keep what I’ve said in mind.” 

Shuichi did his best to stay off social media for the next few days. Which messed with his daily schedule quite a bit, if he was honest; he had been an early adopter of social media, especially for his age, and scrolling mindlessly through various ones on his phone was probably his most persistent hobby. 

He had talked with Hiro over the phone later that day, going over how he was feeling and some of what Eiri had said - Hiro agreed - and additionally, Shuichi had asked Hiro to spread the word to Suguru, K and anyone else who had regular, direct contact with the band that Shuichi didn’t want questions or comments about his tweets. 

As Shuichi went into work the day after, he did get quite a few looks, especially from the odd clerical or service employee of the label, while Suguru clearly thought he was being far more subtle with the looks he was sending than he actually was. Shuichi did his best to ignore it all and just focus on the music. They were in the early stages of a new album, started almost immediately after Suguru had been freed up from working on his solo album, and the brainstorming process was one that lend itself well to distraction. 

The day after, however, Shuichi was not going into work, and he found himself in a Twitter rabbit hole of people talking about him. It had not taken people too long to dig up their recent interview and connect the dots, it seemed. One fan had made a whole thread analysing every look and word of his during the #MeToo part of Bad Luck’s interview, while others were trying to figure out exactly how early “early in my career” meant and whether Eiri knew or had been involved in any way.

Shuichi felt sick.

Somehow, he found himself by Eiri’s office door. 

“Yuki…”

“I’m writing.”

“You were right.”

Eiri turned around from his computer screen and regarded Shuichi for a bit. 

“Do you need help finding a therapist?” he asked. 

Shuichi shook his head.

“Right now… I think I just need you.”

Eiri blinked once. Sometimes, he still seemed almost surprised that Shuichi trusted him with his real feelings. Or maybe just that someone could express themselves so freely, when he never could. Whatever the case, Eiri pushed back his hair a bit in what Shuichi had come to recognise as a nervous gesture before getting up and walking over to him. 

“I… don’t know what that means,” Eiri admitted. 

Shuichi laughed at him and went in for a hug that Eiri was quick to reciprocate. 

“Well,” Shuichi said into Eiri’s ear, “you could fuck me.”

Eiri was quiet for a moment. 

“I could do that,” he agreed.

“Does this seem good to you?” Shuichi asked, showing Eiri the tweet he was about to post. 

Eiri leaned over in their bed to see and nodded wordlessly. After sex, Shuichi had explained about some of the speculation that had upset him. Eiri hadn’t said much, merely held on to Shuichi and kissed him lazily in-between conversation. But then, Shuichi hadn’t needed him to say much. The sex had been almost unusually soft and vanilla for them. At first, Shuichi had thought Eiri was holding back for his sake, but he quickly realised that much of what they often did would have been as upsetting for Eiri right now. 

“Ok, posted,” Shuichi said and started putting his phone away so he could turn back to paying full attention to Eiri. 

“Wait,” Eiri said. 

“What?” 

“You can add my empathy as well.”

“Your what?” 

“Empathy,” Eiri repeated with a roll of his eyes that he probably meant to be ridiculing but had no bite at the moment. “Nothing explicit, just say that… well, that parts of a _A Murdered Iris_ were inspired by my own experiences.”

Shuichi looked at Eiri wordlessly for a long moment. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Brat,” Eiri said, again with very little of the bite he meant for it to have. “I wouldn’t have said so if I wasn’t sure.”

“Okay then,” Shuichi said softly and typed out a message. 

He showed it to Eiri, Eiri nodded again and the phone was discarded. 

Shuichi rolled on top of Eiri, kissed him and said: 

“I love you.”

Eiri didn’t respond with words. He rarely did. Words of affection weren’t, and never would be, his strong area, despite his profession as a romance novelist. But he did bury his fingers in Shuichi’s hair and kiss him in a way that made him forget that anything else existed. 

`[Image description: A Twitter thread`

`Shindou Shuichi @bl_shu`   
`To clear up something I’ve seen a lot of speculation about: Yes, I had begun seeing Eiri at the time and he knew about it when it happened, but that was the extent of his involvement. `

`Shindou Shuichi @bl_shu  
` `Eiri doesn't like using social media, but he asked me to add that there was an incident prior to his career that inspired certain parts of his novel A Murdered Iris and that he also thinks everyone speaking out is brave.`

`End image description]`

**Author's Note:**

> I did my best to show this subject the type of consideration it sorely deserves, but please feel free to tell me if I've fucked up in some manner! The whole situation is dealt with so badly in the manga (and adaptations) that I felt the need to write something that takes Shuichi's experience seriously and looks at how it's stayed with him even though the manga completely handwaves it.


End file.
